Holidays and Divorce

The Holidays can be hell or they can be memorable. What do you have control over this season, and what do you want to remember in 2010? Create your memories for your family the way you want them this year. Perhaps you will want to start a new tradition or better yet, get rid of the ones you hate. The choice is yours. It is your families' experience to control, you don't have to do what your former spouse likes to do for the holidays. You can create your own traditions.

Holidays and divorce

Can you celebrate with your former spouse in the room? Some families are able to open presents together, others are not. What does it take to sit in the same room with your former spouse? It takes you being able to see the good side of them again, and it takes their ability to do the same thing.

Holidays

Holidays can be tough, but it's important that you keep the conflict away from the children. Instead of lamenting that you don't have the kids on Thanksgiving or Xmas, try taking care of yourself (instead of taking care of them). Make sure that you have a support system of adults that can ease your pain. Another approach is to try looking at the holidays as a chance to start your own traditions, spend time with the kiddos and spend time with adults (sans kids)!

Thanksgiving Holiday and Divorce

The holiday season is upon us and if you are newly divorce or separated with children, you may be heading in to unseen territory when planning your holiday celebrations with or without your children.

It may at first feel somewhat disappointing if you are the parent without your child on Thanksgiving this year. Take care of yourself that day. If you do not have family in town see friends, or just do something for yourself, such as see a movie, or read your favorite book. Make it a day about you!

I remember my first year with my children and without my ex-husband. I did not have family that lived in the state so it was important to me that my children would still have the experience of family. That Thanksgiving was a milestone for me. My children and I spent the holiday with 2 other newly separated mothers and their children. The kids had a great time and we enjoyed cooking together. I remember the peace we felt, on that day, we all knew we would be just fine redefining our family holidays as long as we had supporting friends to be with.

How has being single changed over time?

How has being single changed over time?

People are waiting longer than ever before to get married, if they get married at all. People are staying single into their late twenties or early thirties and our life spans continue to grow. Women continue to live longer than men, suggesting that there are many single women at the end of their lifespan. Of the people who do get married, many of them divorce. Fewer people are choosing to get remarried right away, if at all. Although the statistics are changing, Americans still spend more years of their adult life married than unmarried.

Castle Rock Radio

This weeks guest on Life After Divorce will be Brad Yodor; former judge and mediator. He will be sharing his wisdom and perspective from the bench. After serving as a judge for many years, he has some great insight into what works and what doesn't work when it comes to resolving divorce issues.

Listen to "Life After Divorce" at www.CastleRockRadio.com every Friday at 11:00am.

Divorce Coping Basics

What is the number one issue between divorcing couples?

I believe that control is the number one issue in any relationship and it becomes particularly clear to see when that relationship is falling apart, i.e. a divorce.

How do control issues affect the divorce process?

How you act in the divorce process can ultimately determine what the outcome is. If you expect the courts to decide your future by asking the judge to make the decision, you've given the judge the ultimate control. If you take control of yourself and your behavior, by trying to do the best job you can as a parent, you maintain that control over yourself and you can influence your families' future. Remember you can't control your former spouse, but you can control your reaction to the divorce process. You can also have influence over the process. You can choose how you would like to present yourself and your ideas. Do you present these in a positive or negative manner? Do you try to force change or do you negotiate change? Do you act in a cooperative manner or an adversarial manner? Do you make yourself open to compromise?

How can I limit the negative effect that control issues can have on my divorce?

One of the best ways to limit the negative aspects of divorce is to pick the right type of lawyer for you. Work closely with that lawyer so that you are jointly managing the process. Have a good therapist, whether it is a psychologist, a rabbi, a minister or a priest. Stay healthy. Work out. Take care of yourself. Don't over-indulge, don't under-indulge. Don't be sleep-deprived. Don't become maniac or throw yourself into work 24/7. Try to be as emotionally and psychologically healthy as you can to limit the negative effect that control issues can have on your divorce.

PEACE: It doesn't mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm, focused, and steady.

CastleRockRadio.com

Tune in every Friday at 11:00am to www.CastleRockRadio.com to hear "Life After Divorce". This internet radio show has topics specific to divorce and offers free advice for families going through the divorce process. You will hear from attorneys, mental health professionals, financial specialists, and real estate experts. You can also visit the archives and discover the shows that are most helpful to you.

The Difference Between Cognitive and Emotional Biases - Morningstar Advisor

The Difference Between Cognitive and Emotional Biases - Morningstar Advisor

Is the grass greener? Divorce expectations matter.

"Look Before You Leap"
The Unexpected Consequences of Divorce
by Michele Weiner-Davis

"When people divorce they have visions of better lives. Old problems will vanish, they hope, as new dreams take their place. These dreams usually include meeting candidates for more intimate relationships, more compatible sexual partners, improved financial status, more freedom to pursue personal goals and new opportunities to make independent choices. These dreams frequently do not materialize, creating a whole new set of problems. Even when desired changes do occur, they are not without unintended consequences. "

People are happier when they have realistic expectations about divorce.

Book Signing Children of Divorce

I will be hosting a book signing on September 11th from 1:00 - 4:00pm at the Borders bookstore in Arapahoe Crossing shopping Center. I am launching a children's book titled, Mommy and Daddy are Getting Divorced. It's a re-together book for parents and children that will help children understand divorce and help parents see divorce through their children's eyes. Kristine Turner, Ph.D.

Mediation

Join the Divorceteam this week on Friday at 11:00am on CastleRockRadio.com for a discussion about Mediation during the divorce process. The pros and cons of mediation, the legal system, and the courts.

CastleRockRadio.com

Tune in every Friday at 11:00am to www.CastleRockRadio.com to hear "Life After Divorce". This internet radio show has topics specific to divorce and offers free advice for families going through the divorce process. You will hear from attorneys, mental health professionals, financial specialists, and real estate experts. You can also visit the archives and discover the shows that are most helpful to you.

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

Divorce expectations

Most people enter into a divorce situation hoping that things will get better. Some may have chosen the divorce, while others may feel that it was chosen for them. However, most people hope that when the dust settles; things will get better. For most that day can’t come soon enough. Whether your divorce is amicable or rather challenging, your expectations make a difference. If you expect the divorce to do something for you the marriage didn’t then you may be sorely disappointed. It is common for people to want the divorce to “settle the score” so to speak. Some people hope that the Courts will tell them who the good guy is and who the bad guy is in a divorce. Colorado is a no fault state, so the Courts won’t do this for folks. (They also won’t tell you that they are sorry for you, although they may say that they are sorry for your children.) It is extremely costly to try and get a “win” out of the divorce, to perhaps replace what you didn’t get out of the marriage. For those folks who might try to make the other parent “pay” for all the hurt and pain they have caused in a divorce situation, you will most likely find that it doesn’t work. Couples who come to the table with a realistic expectation tend to do better through the divorce proceedings. Two things that most parents will experience in a divorce are less time with their children than they had before, and less money than they had before. You will find that you will be sharing the children with your former spouse and dividing your assets meanwhile increasing your expenses with two households to support. All is not lost however, you will also have more free time sans children. Use this time to take care of yourself!

Parenting After Divorce.

For many people their parenting plan equates to less time with their kid(s), but in reality that time with your kid(s) increases in its quality. When two parents are living in the same household together, the parents tend to interact with each other more frequently than they interact with the kids. When there is only one parent with the kids, there tends to be much more parent to child interaction occurring. As such, many relationships between parents and children are strengthened post divorce. Although you may see your children less frequently, you may have more quality time when you are together.

As far as the finances go, two households will probably be more expensive than one. On the brighter side, you get all the freedom to decide how to spend your money. No more need to explain or justify your spending habits to your spouse.

What to do with your home in a divorce

What are we going to do with the house? -- Clearly one of the biggest questions a couple will ask themselves when going through a divorce. Oftentimes the homes it the most valued asset a divorcing couple has. It can also be the highest sources of contention during and after the divorce.

One of the first things you will need to do is find out how much your house is worth in today's market. You could start at www.zillow.com and get a preliminary picture of the price, but you will have a much better answer if you call a Realtor and ask for a broker price opinion.

If you owe more than your house is worth, there are several options to consider: stay in place (if you can afford to) until the market improves, rent the home, apply for a loan modification, short sale the home, or allow the home to go into foreclosure. Each option carries financial and legal risk and should be discussed with your Realtor, CPA, lawyer, and financial planner.

If you have equity in the home you may decide to have one spouse stay in place or refinance to pull some of the equity out to "buyout" their ex. The other tried and true option is to sell the home, divide the proceeds and move on. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you have had competent counsel from professional help.

Keep moving forward.

-Kurt Groesser
Realtor(R)
Keller Williams DTC
www.granthamhometeam.com

Reduce the fighting, use a collaborative model for your divorce. Mediators can help with this process, so can the right frame of mind. I recommend the Good Karma Divorce.

The team approach to divorce

Hire a team for your divorce. Most parents going through divorce are exhausted by the process. Many people don't know what support systems exist or what is available to help them through their divorce. By virtue of using a team approach, couples can save substantially by combining the skills and knowledge of a team of divorce specialists. Visit www.NewBeginningsCoParenting.com or www.CastleRockRadio.com to learn more about the resources available to you during divorce.

Facebook and Divorce

Interesting clip from MSN:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36740125/vp/34328514#38535436

Dating a single mother or not?

The Divorce Team are co-hosts of New Beginnings, life after divorce. New Beginnings is aired every Friday at 11:00 AM MT. We had an interesting show last Friday. One of the topics we talked about was dating a single mother.

Our listeners had lots of opinions on this topic from meeting men at church to not dating until kids are older.


It's a fine line when dating someone with children. This Friday July 6th , Pat Skinner , a licensed therapist specializing in step families will be our guest on the show. She is back by popular demand. She brings a wealth of knowledge when it comes to step parenting and family dynamics. Join us at http://www.castlerockradio.com/ Friday morning at 11:00. We would love to hear from you!

Dinosaurs Divorce

As a member of the divorce team, I have found that for families going through divorce, reading books to children is often one of the easiest ways to get conversations going. Parents often ask me to recommend books. One of my all time favorites is Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown.

My Memories of Divorce

As one of the members of the divorce team, I too have been through a divorce. It can be an unsettling time for most of us. I remember feeling as if I would come out of the divorce as a "bag lady". Of course, I did not and it seems very silly now. However, at the time, it felt very real. My divorce was 15 years ago and I remember feeling like a sheep being sent out to the wolves. It doesn't have to be that way. Surround yourself with knowledgeable and supportive people. Your mother or friend may be a great listener but knowledge is what will help you get what you want. When your thoughts go to the dark side of the divorce, think about what you want your life to look like; not what you may be afraid of it looking like. Then talk to people that can help you achieve your goals.
Remember knowledge is power!

The Critical Stage: Selecting an Attorney

• Interview more than one attorney
• Check their disciplinary history and reputation
• Does your attorney enjoy a Martindale-Hubbell rating?
• Does your attorney have experience with your type of case?
• Once you've selected an attorney LISTEN to their advice

Informative website for parents going through divorce.

Visit the divorce advice for children website.